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MC Journal Day 0: Is this my greatest obstacle?

First impressions of Thailand. It is darn warm and humid here. I’m not sure if I got fleeced by the taxi to the hotel, which was 650 Bhat, but I arrived at the sports campus/ resort this morning at 6am. I got to having out with some of the early arrivers to the camp, and explore the rest of the campus.

Hotel room is by the side of the pool, and so far we are being well looked after. We have our first official get together at the dinner tonight, and have received the schedule for the week. It’s a full on 2-3 training sessions per day with a lecture at night.

So far, my biggest thought has been ‘What the hell am I doing here?!’. Most of those attending the camp (that I have met so far) are banging out free standing handstands for fun, many performing the one handed variety, as well as lots of complex movement patterns and balancing exercises that at the moment are in a different stratosphere to my current level of ability. There’s a small voice something inside of that says I would be more suited to grabbing water and coffee’s for the rest of the guys instead of trying to bend my body into a way that it seems like it does not want to go! However there is another bigger, more dominant voice resonating that pushes the smaller voice into the background. I want to be able to perform a one handed handstand, and balance in ways that can only be achieved through many dedicated hours of focused practice, and tireless playing and messing around. After not even one day at the Movement Camp, I have identified my biggest weakness, and have started to ask myself the hard questions.

My biggest weakness is feeling inadequate with my skills at the Movement Camp, and drawing inward instead of actively pushing the boundaries, and seeing what can happen. Trying to play it cool, when I have a perception of being out of my depth, can result coming across as being unfriendly, or less open to receive information and learn. In other words, my biggest weakness is taking the easy option. Sustaining this feeling will probably result in a mediocre experience and returning with little or no fruits to bear from the Movement Camp. I think this comes from the feeling of insecurity that comes with being outside of my comfort zone, and the presence of the ‘ego’. Feeling the need to chest puff or compare notes to others is a big limiter when it comes to progress. On the other hand letting go of inhibition, fear, and any presence of ‘ego’ will bring far greater results, and more enjoyment.

Having feelings of insecurity are not something that I am used to. Usually I am in an environment where I am pretty confident and competent at whatever I am doing, and with insecurity comes the feeling of the need to be defensive, inhibited, or introverted. These are not the types of qualities that I want to exhibit or be a part of, but at the same time I am grateful that they have risen their heads. They have prompted me to reflect on who I want to be as a person. What qualities to I want people to see in me, and how do I want to feel within myself. The words humility, open-mindedness, sociable, and confident are going to be my buzz words for the weeks camp. I am embracing being outside of my comfort zone, and handing myself over  to the possibilities that come with carrying on despite some level of inward fear.

I never tried to run away with the circus, but I guess being a part of this camp is something close to how those who do escape with a band of talented and eccentric freaks of nature (meant in the best way possible) feel. Lets see what happens!

Beir Bua,

Ainle

 

 

2 Comments

  1. Nicky Hayes on said:

    Remember you too are human these feelings are real work through it and breath!!
    You made the journey there embrace all it offers even if it’s only too open your mind!
    Stay safe and enjoy
    Your dance friend

  2. Nicky Hayes on said:

    Remember you too are human these feelings are real work through it and breath!!
    You made the journey there embrace all it offers even if it’s only too open your mind!
    Stay safe and enjoy
    Your dance friend

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